When I was younger I used to want to be Indiana Jones…and I would be willing to lay money on that sentance being applicable to virtually every late twentysomething on the planet. Male or Female. Sane or insane. I’m sure everyone wanted to be Indiana Jones; cool, collected, running around digging in dirt. Sean Connery’s your dad, John Rhys Davies and Denholm Elliot your best mates. What else could you want for?

After seeing the Last Crusadein 1989 I used to find an empty space where I could re-enact the stepping onto the invisible bridge scene. Fortunately I decided to do this over a swimming pool and not over, say, a bottomless chasm, so if now invisible bridge were to appear I would end up falling into the water and getting a nose full of chlorine, instead of plummeting to my death.

I used to act out the leaping out of the plane on a dingy scene from Temple of Doom using my bed as the plane and a pillow as a dinghy. (I was young and lovably forgivable)

I even used to have Indiana Jones pyjamas…and they were awesome!

So after a 19 year wait, and over six months since my last excursion to the cinema, I simply had to build up the courage to get past the social anxiety to watch Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

[In my opinion, CRAP title, but then not quite as dodgy as Quantum of Solace!]

In a way, I wish the social anxiety had got the better of me as the words GRAVE and DISAPPOINTMENT sprung to mind as I meandered out of the cinema. Sure, Harrison Ford was as cool as ever, Shia LaBouf proved his screen presence once again and Karen Allen – I salute you, you are simply wonderful. But what about John Hurt, a mite wasted IMHO, as were Jim Broadbent, Alan Dale (I will always salute you) and Ray Winstone.

Cate Blanchett on the other hand, could you pop over to my place with that costume, I’m sure we’d find something fun and deliciously naughty and kinky to do?

The whole film was just a wee bit blah for me. The story had none of the punch nor enjoyment of previous installments, there wasn’t a single surprise in the plot due to several extras lurking in the background holding six foot tall “PLOT TWIST COMING” signs…and the denouement, about as boring as this review really. No true excitement at all it was just – BAM, a few big special effects and then it was over. Hardly hair raising or inspiring.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some wonderful moments; Alan Dale, you rock! A sword fight which has entered my top 5 screen swordfights (Cate, could you bring that too) and it was nice to see Denholm Elliot living on in spirit, that brought a smile to my face.

I am of course going to recommend this film because the problem wasn’t really with the craft. The direction was as accomplished as we’ve come to expect from Spielberg, the special effects were good but way OTT in places, the Raiders March will always be one of the great pieces of film score. The problem with the film comes from expectation, which was always going to it’s problem.

It has been 19 years since the last movie, and much like the other great movie trilogy which was recently tarnished, everyone was expecting this to be perfect in every way – and few films are. So many people are going to be going to this film expecting so much from it, and it’s inevitable they’re going to come away feeling hard done by. It won’t live up to people’s expectation, not at all.

So go see it, but forget about the fact you wanted to be Indy when you were a kid and see it not as an extension of the previous trilogy, just watch it as a new action-adventure flick and you may love it to bits.

It just ain’t what I was eagerly waiting for it to be.

FINAL RATING:

   (OUT OF 5)

 (Playpus Award; for that wonderful sword fight)

Ratings Explained:

1 WOMBAT  – I would rather be beaten with a stick than watch this piece of crap again.
2 WOMBATS – What hell is this shite? C’mon folks, put a wee bit of effort into it.
3 WOMBATS – Nae too bad, kinda average, shrug of the shoulders, could have been better.
4 WOMBATS – Blooody good and highly recommended, watch this now!
5 WOMBATS – Practically perfect in every way. Could watch this again straight away.

PLATYPUS AWARD – Special Commendation for an absolutely delightful scene/performance/something